Stepping Into Darkness

I know I haven't posted in ages, but I feel the need to today. Or at least write this out. If not for my own comfort, for the comfort of someone else.

You see, I've just sent in my mission papers. Not an hour before I began writing this. As I spoke with my stake president, he asked me to make a commitment. The details aren't particularly for everyone, but the gist of it is that from now until I get my mission call, I will need to study the scriptures and pray every single night, and every single morning. First thing when I open my eyes, and last thing before I fall asleep.

I agreed to the commitment, not really thinking much about it. When I got home, however, I was terrified. There's no way. There is no possible way that I can do this, considering the fact that I've been struggling with this for ages.

And so what did I do? I prayed. Prayed for comfort and strength, and then turned to the scriptures for that comfort and strength. What I found, wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Surprise, surprise. It was a warning.

A warning that things are about to get really bad. That this commitment I've made will cause the adversary to attack me mercilessly. That every aspect of my life will accumulate into one gigantic effort to tear me down, and that if I allow it to, that's it. I will fail, and it will take years upon years to get back.

Now many of you are thinking that prayer and scripture study aren't that big, and I that I should just suck it up. But there's another issue that I have opted to keep personal. Don't ask too many questions about it. To avoid this issue, I must pray and study. If not...well let's not talk about that.

So with the very comforting feeling that I'm about to go through one of the most if not the most difficult moment of my life so far, I began to panic, but also listen to the Spirit. I was about to step into darkness. I didn't know what was coming, but I knew it wasn't gonna be sunshine, lollipops, or rainbows. It was going to be scary. And I was scared. Heck, I'm still totally terrified, and I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

But then the Spirit prompted me to do something. Ask for help. And so I did. I asked three of my good friends for help in remembering to study and pray. They all agreed, and I'm really grateful for them. I feel less worried and more hopeful.

I'm stepping into darkness. A great trial is coming, and then my mission. It won't be easy, but I'm sure that with God and my friends on my side, I will emerge victorious.

I particularly enjoyed Elder Holland's talk from Sunday. I mean, enjoying Elder Holland talks are kind of a given, but whatever. But regardless, I'm finding amazing comfort in his words, "Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on. Today, tomorrow, and forever."

Same.

Yeah, I'm terrified of what tomorrow will bring. In fact, the only thing keeping me from laying down and crying is my sheer pride, which may not stick around very long.

But God loves me. A mission is what I need to do, and I need to do it now. He's prepared me for this moment. Up until this point I've been walking with light. Now I'm stepping into darkness. God will light the way for me.



I'm glad I could even put together a thought.

-Nathaniel