Or maybe not. I don't own you.
However, I can't do that. I mean, yeah, it was a cool experience, but nothing to mention on Fast Sunday. No, for the most part, the feeling was confusion. What's going on? What do I do next? Somebody please help me. I'm not ready to adult! Where can I go to cry?
Luckily the temple workers were very helpful. I'm sure they get this all the time, even from members who go through very often.
After I left the temple, my first thought was, "Jeez, Provo is hot". The second was, "Why didn't I feel like I probably should? I'm supposed to feel the Spirit hit me like a bus. What gives?"
It took me a while to find that out. And here's what I've discovered. I was focused too much on what was physically happening that I didn't notice all the symbolism and stuff. I can think of maybe one of two moments where I could feel something.
Now before you scoff saying that nobody can possibly be this dim-witted, all the while tromping away mumbling how your father will hear about this, hear me out!
I don't think that's a bad thing. And I don't think I'm just justifying being stupid. If I am, someone will let me know. If you're questioning if that's your job, it's not your job.
I don't think focusing on only what's physically happening is bad. I still have a pretty decent memory of the experience, and I've pieced together one or two things since. Not to mention the few things I felt from when I went. So I've definitely learned a bit.
Unlike in Political Science
But we can't just focus on the symbolism all the time. I'm sure anywhere who's been in some kind of advanced English class (or basic English class; I don't know what you peasants do in those) will know how studying a novel can give you a Dickens of a time trying to find out what it means. (I punned!!)
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| "Bah Punbug" |
Before you can even begin to understand that Lenny is supposed to symbolize childlike wonder and innocence, you gotta understand what's going on first. You gotta read the book before you understand it. And SparkNotes ain't gonna cut it.
If you're thinking reasonably and like a normal person, you won't try to stock your mind-brain full of everything possible the very first time.
As mortal beings, we have very limited memories, and very limited minds. It's impossible to know everything about everything in this life. But that's okay.
While there's a lot we have to learn, we literally have all the time in the world to learn it. Knowledge doesn't die with us; it continues to grow and progress until it's perfect.
I suppose this revelation was a bit of a comfort to me in many other aspect. As I'm writing this post, I have a little over a week until I report to the Provo MTC. And recently I've been getting terrified. I'm not smart! Sure I've learned quite a bit from seminary and institute, but certainly not enough to go out and tell people that they ought to repent and join our church.
I feel like some people expect me to be totally ready to go on a mission. Whether that's true or not, I have no idea. But it doesn't change the fear I have. I feel pressure to be perfect and to have a perfect testimony.
But spoiler alert: I have no idea what's going on most of the time!!
Going through the temple kind of solidified for me my lack of knowledge of what is going on. However, as I've pondered and prayed, I've discovered that that's okay. Not only is it okay, but that's to be expected.
None of us is supposed to know what's going on! None of us is supposed to fit our own expectations. We are, however, supposed to be trying. We're supposed to be learning, and growing. Accepting that we're not perfect, but all the while striving to become that.
You won't become perfect overnight. No, that'll take a lot longer. But you'll grow throughout those little things. Each day, you'll learn a bit more, and grow a bit more. Eventually you'll make it. Don't fret. It'll all work out.
-Nathaniel
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